'How to set boundaries' is one of my most commonly asked questions, and I've had to support pretty much every client in learning about their boundaries: what they consist of, and how to find their own.
Sometimes people confuse avoidance with boundary-setting, or when they ignore others to 'teach them a lesson' about how they want to be treated. None of this is real. The problem is, this approach is reactive, and whether you realise it or not, you're putting the other person before yourself, the opposite of healthy boundaries.
It's so easy to search 'boundaries for empaths', 'feminine boundaries vs masculine boundaries', 'how to set boundaries', or look for specific boundary setting with family, work, friends or lovers. People find this difficult because they approach boundaries as a conscious decision, when it's much deeper.
What are boundaries?
By definition, boundaries are 'personal, invisible lines that define acceptable behaviours, emotional limits, and physical space in relationships to ensure safety, respect, and well-being'. That's all well and good, but how does this manifest energetically and spiritually? There must be an energetic and spiritual synonym for boundaries.
Many think of boundaries as walls around you that others can't penetrate. Put yourself in that; you become claustrophobic, sun-deprived, and your energy shrinks. This makes you anxious, disconnected from yourself and from the world around you, and no bloody wonder you don't like setting boundaries. They feel restrictive and scary.
The real way to think of a boundary is as an iridescent bubble, or as light that protects your mind, body, and spirit. It's flexible and moves with you throughout your day. It's connected to your intuition. When your subconscious picks up on something before your conscious mind does, it blinds the threat with its light, or it doesn't allow the threat to permeate if you choose to view boundaries as a bubble. Because it's connected to your intuition, it responds to 'I' statements.
- I don't feel good about the way I'm being spoken to
- I'd rather meet up next week
- No thanks, I don't want to see you again.
This is completely different to the reactionary wall that people think are boundaries, where they come from a place of 'you', disconnecting yourself from how you really feel:
- What you said is not okay
- You need to stop asking me to meet this week
- You can never ask me out again.
Do you see the energetic difference? One is magnetic, which leaves little room for counter-argument, and the other is combative, which others can use to rationalise their way out of or rely on you to educate them more than they deserve. When you say 'you', you give room for debate, and you'll subconsciously want to justify your 'you' statement by over-explaining. Boundaries are about yourself; the other is just a mirror as to how much you honour how you truly feel.
Read my guide on the Seven Essene Mirrors (the most comprehensive you'll find in English).
The sensuality behind boundaries
A lot of the time, women in particular struggle with boundaries because they think they need to tap into a masculine 'no' that comes from their root chakra (safety centre). They feel like boundaries go against their feminine nature or make them tougher and disconnected from their vulnerability. What a lie.
Boundaries are deeper, more emotional and come deep from the womb space/sacral chakra for women. This is because this particular chakra is connected with:
- Emotional intelligence and feeling
- Creativity and creation itself (this is why connecting to your womb connects you to money)
- Pleasure and desire
- The capacity to relate and connect
- Personal identity and authenticity
Notice how authenticity and pleasure are governed by the same energy centre/chakra? This is because the womb, the area where we carry our raw sexuality and true self carries a particular kind of knowing, the ability to discern what we allow "in" and what we keep "out". This mirrors the womb's function during pregnancy, as recent research shows that it's not the fastest sperm that reaches the egg, but the one the egg chooses to fertilise.
Learning from the seductress
In Jungian psychology, the seductress is one expression of the feminine archetype, often associated with Jung's concept of the "anima" (the feminine aspect of the collective unconscious). She manifests in mythology as figures like Aphrodite, Circe, Lilith, or the Sirens, beings who wield power through attraction, allure, and the promise of fulfilment. She operates purely from a place of desire and magnetism, knowing her womb can get her everything she wants.
Now, we all have, at least once, experienced a deep-seated judgment when it comes to the seductress archetype because of the repression of the sacred feminine. This leads to a 'witch wound', shame trapped in the sacral chakra and the inability to connect to your intuition. Sensuality is sinful, desire is gluttony, and intuition is divination. The problem is when it's done in excess or in unsafe environments, not the God-given qualities themselves. This happens because the seductress is the trigger and the mirror because she operates from the depths of the subconscious.
The unhealed seductress is one who will magnetise anything and everything that her subconscious will call in. Marilyn Monroe deprogrammed her 'ugly' and 'poor' programming and magnetised beauty, wealth and admiration. However, she wasn't able to deprogram 'unlovable', and she quite literally seduced men who were bad for her. Those wounds were too deep for her to overcome.
Her psychiatrist, Dr Ralph Greenson, actually enabled her by departing from a psychoanalytical approach and was endlessly available to her, in some cases allowing her into his family life and involving his own family. This approach even made her dependent on her own psychiatrist, even though he argued that his intention was to provide her with the stability she needed to heal. I think NOT. Her lack of boundaries with the opposite gender and people-pleasing tendencies made her vulnerable not just to controlling and abusive men in her romantic life, but in her healing journey.
This is why it's so important to be aware of what goes on in your subconscious mind: you seduce what is normal. You won't discover what feels normal to you without exploring your subconscious through hypnosis and figuring out why you think the way you think. Only then will you be able to take charge of your subconscious, prime it to recognise what you want in life, and let your sacral energy 'seduce' your desires into existence.
Prompts for energetic boundaries
When it comes to my individual clients, I work with them and imagery that suits them to programme their energetic boundaries. Here are some ideas you can play with if you want to try yourself, if you're already doing the work or want to come with me to help you programme:
- Separation roses (can be in the form of a protective rose between you and the person/object/thought pattern you want to place a boundary of, or something I came up with in meditation, is a rose arch around your auric field with thorns that prick unwanted energies)
- Light of God (Noor of Allah) surrounding you and protecting you
- A reflective indecent bubble
- A seashell
Good luck, and let me know if you've implemented any of these techniques. If you want to book sessions with me, check out my 1-1 offerings or email me to start with a one-off session.